


Here We Are

by elem (elem44)



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-09-21
Updated: 2011-09-21
Packaged: 2018-08-16 14:43:21
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,860
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8106319
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elem44/pseuds/elem
Summary: Written for the 2011 Vamb Secret Summer story exchange. My recipient was Libby Kim and her wonderful request was for ‘a post-Endgame J/C story where they finally get together. Hot and steamy fic’.





	

**Author's Note:**

> It fit like a glove. The story itself is in first person alternating between the protagonists – you’ll get the gist.
> 
> Thanks to Kim J for the beta.

#### Chakotay

I’m jolted back to the here and now by the shuttle’s none-too-gentle landing.

Disorientated, I take a second or two to gather my thoughts before the welcome weight of reality nestles around my shoulders.

Earth. I’m back.

At last.

The trip from Trebus has been the longest two weeks of my life. Most of it was spent staring unseeing out the viewport of my small cabin, my mind filled with a confused tangle of memories and recollections. But as I draw closer to my destination, those precious and resilient threads slowly unravel, weaving themselves into a brightly coloured tapestry of the last seven years of my life. The result is a vast and multifaceted visual narrative, stunning in its complexity but also comforting in its familiarity. The undeniable beauty of it edges my hopes closer to the surface.

I close my eyes again and smile at the thought of her until the loud hiss of the opening hatch brings me back to the present once more. I turn towards the light and imagine that it heralds a new beginning, or at the very least, a more fitting end to the remarkable journey we’ve shared.

Filling my lungs with Earth’s fragrant air, I take a couple of deep steadying breaths before I focus on my surroundings. The sun is shining; the day crisp and clear with a hint of the coming Spring and I wonder idly if it is a portent for the blossoming of hope – I take heart in the thought.

Making a concerted effort to ignore the way my heart pounds and my hands shake, I concentrate on the practicalities of disembarking rather than dwell on the possible obstacles in my path. But, try as I might, I can’t ignore the overwhelming significance of my undertaking. It fills my heart to overflowing – as it has for weeks.

Kathryn is here and I’m on my way to be with her.

* * *

Eight weeks ago, Voyager touched down in San Francisco.

Seven weeks and six days ago, I boarded a transport to the Dorvan system, and in doing so, made the most stupendous mistake of my life.

My thoughts do a fast rewind to that moment and regret threatens to smother me yet again; it weighs heavy on my chest and grips tight around my heart as I shake my head in disbelief at my foolishness.

We’d achieved the impossible; Voyager’s epic journey was over and we were home. A new life awaited us – a chance to begin afresh and the opportunity to make long wished-for futures a reality. But instead of embracing the much-anticipated joy of finally being home and the satisfaction of having accomplished our goal, I panicked. The only thing I could think to do was leave – to go ‘home’ and stand upon the familiar ground of my birthplace. I was overwhelmed by an unexpected but urgent need to reconnect with my heritage and inner self.

But as everyone knows, one can’t go back.

Two weeks later, when I stepped off the transport onto the surface of Dorvan’s windblown and desiccated terrain, the terrible realisation slammed into me with the force of a photon torpedo. I stood there in a state of stunned disbelief at my stupidity, surrounded by the desolate landscape and unrecognisably barren remains of what had once been my home.

The shuttle took off and in my numbed bewilderment it took several minutes to realise that I was as good as stranded until it returned in a week’s time.

I’d foolishly thought that going back to Dorvan V would centre me; perhaps allow me to see my way clearly and afford me some measure of peace.

I couldn’t have been more mistaken.

Instead of peace, a dreadful yearning and grief enveloped me. It ate away at my sanity and serenity, leaving me gutted and desperate. With every fibre of my being, I longed to be with her. After years of harbouring the arrogant assumption that I could live without her, it took me only a handful of moments to realise that my existence was irrevocably connected to hers and my peace and my life were by her side.

Humbled in an instant, I knew without a doubt that wherever she was, was where I was meant to be.

Kathryn was my home.

But, because of my rash decision to leave Earth, I was now stranded weeks away from her, marooned on that desert of a planet, fruitlessly searching for something that was irretrievable and ultimately unattainable – my past.

Thank the spirits for Sekaya. In a matter of hours, she found me there and took me home with her – to Trebus and the small enclave of my people who remained. I later learned that it was Kathryn who had sent word of my intended destination – in essence, rescuing me from myself yet again.

I spent a soul-restoring month with my sister, her husband and children. But as happy as I was to be with them, my heart remained on Earth and until I could see Kathryn again, it was where that wayward portion of my anatomy would remain.

But now I am here and the race towards my destiny has suddenly gained momentum. The inertia of my headlong trajectory urges me forward, my chest tightens with the anticipation and I’m filled with equal parts excitement and trepidation. I’ve been thinking of nothing else since the moment of my epiphany all those weeks ago.

I’ll see her within the hour and my future rests on her reaction to my return and the answer to the question that I intend to ask. But because of my own stupidity, I have no assurance that her response will be the one that I wish to hear – the one I’ve dreamed of almost from the moment we met.

I was the worst kind of fool and as much as I’ve fantasised during the last two months of a blissful climactic conclusion to our separation, I’ve spent equal time berating and admonishing myself for my idiocy.

What sort of man risks the friendship and love of a lifetime – one forged in the fiery furnace of Voyager’s soul-defining odyssey and tempered through years spent by one another’s side – for a dalliance with a woman half his age and with whom he has so little in common?

The fact that I am that man makes my insides shrivel with self-loathing. My only excuse is that I fell under the thrall of a beautiful young woman who appealed to my pathetically fragile ego and in her innocence, eagerly fed my vanity. I’m appalled by my behaviour but the gut-wrenching shame of it is something with which I’ll learn to live. It’s not going be easy and when I think of it, my heart burns with bitter self-condemnation. But as uncomfortable as that may be, I’ll endure it. What will always be with me, however, is my guilt for having betrayed Kathryn’s love and our unspoken promise made all those years ago.

Added to this agony is the shattering knowledge that Kathryn knew.

I’d carelessly thought that I had been discreet in my dealings with Seven, but Kathryn was aware of our relationship and the instant we reached home, when she and I should have stepped into one another’s arms – free at last to express our feelings and surrender to the long-denied attraction – she distanced herself. Always the essence of grace and dignity, she quickly and quietly severed the ties that had bound us for all those years.

Not that I blamed her. How could I? I was the one who had betrayed our dream and forfeited our future.

I can still see her face and hear her voice.

Earth loomed large on the view screen as she spoke into the stunned silence of the Bridge. “ _Mister_ Chakotay, the helm.”

I answered automatically, “Aye, Captain.” And made my way to my station but the shock of her words and what they represented turned my knees to jelly. I staggered the last few paces – the pain of my heart breaking and my internal scream of denial _almost_ drowning out the sound of our cherished connection shattering to dust.

 **Almost**.

The unfurling of those bonds of fealty, along with her next words, sent me into an agonising emotional freefall.

“Set a course for home.”

I died then.

 **Home**?!

I had no home. She was the only home I’d known for years but I’d forsaken her. In a moment of blind self-obsession, I’d denied us our future.

As I clung to the helm for dear life, Kathryn left the Bridge.

I wanted to follow her but I couldn’t move; I could barely breathe – the choking horror of what I’d done clamped my throat almost shut. I was left gripping my console, sucking in short, sharp gasps of air as I waited for someone to notice my distress and either ask what was wrong or point out my tragic mistake before castigating me for my appalling lack of judgment. But no one said a word and after a few moments of blindly grappling for control, I found a small measure of calm. Like an automaton, I nodded to my replacement and stepped away from the helm.

I took my place in the centre of the Bridge, in the chair that I had occupied for seven years; her vacant seat to my right, a symbol now of the ever-widening abyss between us.

To this day, I thank the spirits that Seven of Nine displayed the good sense to call an immediate end to our relationship. Ever vigilant, she’d witnessed my reaction and after taking the captain’s seat for a moment, she spoke to me in her quiet monotone. Her succinct but brusque words broke through my shocked numbness and I stared at her, wide-eyed as in a matter of heartbeats, she ended our liaison, before giving me a gentle smile and wishing me happiness and good fortune in my new life.

Our short but lamentable affair was over.

I’d been drowning and Seven’s reprieve was the lifeline that kept me afloat for a few tenuous moments. But still caught in a spiralling eddy of shame, I failed to follow my instincts and go to Kathryn. I should have rushed to her side, explained my actions and apologised for my mistake but instead, I ran away to a place that I thought would bring me solace, only to be brutally reminded of everything I’d lost.

But I’m back now and I know where I’m going and where I need to be.

I hope with all my heart that she’ll have me.

* * *

#### Kathryn.

He’ll be here soon. Ayala just sent word that the shuttle from Trebus has docked and he’s disembarked. The temptation to ask Mike how he looks and if he seems all right is almost overwhelming but I can’t bring myself to do it. The long-standing barriers between captain and crew are still insurmountable hurdles. It’s something that I’m going to have to work on. Perhaps Chakotay and I can work on it together. My heart flutters at the prospect but I’m getting ahead of myself and I try to quash the impulse.

I’m caught in a worrying dilemma. I don’t want to appear too eager but I’ve missed him so much. The visceral ache of longing surprises even me; the void by my side a constant reminder of what I’d let slip through my fingers.

I knew about his relationship with Seven of Nine. Admiral Janeway had been only too willing to enlighten me.

On hearing the news, I was staggered and not a little hurt but I’d lost in love before and inured myself to the prospect of disappointment, girding my loins for the inevitable disillusionment that seemed to be my lot in life. According to the Admiral, he’d married Seven in that other timeline and if merely remaining his best friend was the outcome of that possibility, it was one that I would have to learn to live with.

I’d spent seven years sublimating my feelings for him and I could do it for a lifetime if necessary. He was my beloved friend and Seven, my cherished protégé; their happiness was of the utmost importance to me. Had our roles been reversed and I’d found someone else to love, I knew he would have wished the same for me – although I’ll never feel for anyone what I feel for Chakotay.

I took the news in my stride – my well-practiced stoicism and captain’s mask securely welded in place. However, under that long-established facade, the confusing roles of mother, mentor, friend and spurned would-be lover wrestled with one another for dominance. I was a wreck. But I didn’t begrudge him his chance at happiness. I could never do that.

I wanted to talk to him and put his mind at ease. I’d intended to explain to him that I understood and wished him well. How could I do otherwise? It was my fault that we were stranded so far from home and for all he knew at the time, there was still a half a lifetime of travel ahead of us. No one should be alone for that long – not if one doesn’t have to be. It had been my choice, not his, to adhere so rigidly to the protocols regarding fraternisation, and ultimately I had no right or recourse to protest. If he’d decided to stay with Seven, I would have been happy for him – I truly would have – I loved him enough for that.

One thing that experience has taught me is that life is filled with challenges and one never knows what’s around the next corner. I’m hoping that this time the Fates will be kind and real happiness will at last be within my grasp.

I also want to apologise to him for my behaviour on the Bridge in the minutes following our explosive exit from the Borg sphere.

At the time, I was in shock – completely stunned. I honestly hadn’t thought that we’d make it. We’d been so close so many times and I was prepared for failure; I’d braced myself for the tsunami of guilt-laden disappointment that would hit head-on when we emerged from the Borg conduit in some distant part of the galaxy. But when Earth appeared on the viewscreen with the armada of gloriously recognisable Federation vessels weaving back and forth in front of it, I was dumbfounded.

The realisation that we were home was almost overwhelming and I knew that I had to centre myself quickly or risk falling apart in front of the entire Bridge crew. So, after muttering heartfelt thanks to my elder self and a few brusque words to Owen Paris, I sent Tom to Sickbay to greet his daughter, and then called Chakotay to the helm. I wanted to bestow upon him the honour of taking Voyager those final few parsecs to Earth but in my foolish attempt to express the depth of my gratitude for his steadfast loyalty and my respect for him as my first officer and friend, I reverted to Starfleet parlance and addressed him as _Mister_ Chakotay. It was my mistake and one I’ve regretted ever since.

He interpreted my words as an attempt to sever our ties of friendship and command, and in my stuporous state of bewilderment, I had no inkling of what I’d done.

In hindsight, although I regret the mistake, I feel I can be forgiven for my lapse in concentration, especially when one considers the circumstances.

We were home!

Earth was right there in front of me – a virtual stone’s throw away – and I was astounded, barely able to breathe, let alone think. And I wasn’t the only one. Most of the Bridge crew were gawping in slack-jawed awe at the forward viewscreen. However, I should have realised how Chakotay would interpret my words. He was never one to embrace protocol and it was remiss of me to have forgotten something so intrinsic to his character.

Once the initial shock of our arrival had faded, I became hyper-aware of how much there was to do to prepare for our repatriation and I retreated to my Ready Room. I was running on instinct at that point. The monumental accomplishment of actually making it back to the Alpha Quadrant after our terrifying thirty-thousand light-year scramble through the Borg transwarp conduits was just beginning to hit home and I needed a moment to gather myself.

However, we barely had time to catch our breaths before the comm. system lit up like the Orpisay nebula and within ten minutes, it was jammed with calls from Earth. Half an hour after that, a group of burly Starfleet security personnel with a swarm of Federation bureaucrats in tow, beamed aboard to lock down computers and begin downloading our precious data.

With no time to prepare ourselves for the onslaught or confer with one another, we were carried along on the rising tide of officialdom and before we knew what was happening, Chakotay had hopped a transport to the DMZ. He was gone without a word to anyone.

We were all stunned when a communiqué came through informing us that he’d taken an indefinite leave of absence and was making his way to Dorvan V.

Even Seven appeared perplexed. She’d been so sure that ending their affair was the right thing to do but feared that the abrupt termination of their liaison had upset him more than she’d anticipated. I reassured her that she had indeed done the right thing and that it was unlikely that their ‘breakup’ was the cause of Chakotay’s hasty departure.

She’d looked at me with that familiar puzzled frown, and then in a surprisingly intuitive leap, grasped the true reason for his distress and sudden disappearance.

In hindsight, I thanked the stars that she’d waited until we were alone in my Ready Room before voicing her suspicions. For someone so newly acquainted with matters of the heart, she was a surprisingly quick study.

She stood on the far side of the desk assessing me as I pretended to sort PADDs in an attempt to hide my confusion and concern for Chakotay.

Her tone was even and resolute. “You are aware, Captain, that Commander Chakotay is in love with you and his unrequited affection for you is undoubtedly the catalyst for his sudden departure?”

I hesitated for a heartbeat and that split second’s pause was enough to assure Seven of the accuracy of her assertion. Her brow furrowed into a deep frown and when I glanced up, she looked me straight in the eye.

“And you are in love with him.”

This was a statement, not a question, and I was saved from having to answer. Not that I needed to say anything, my lack of denial was all the confirmation she needed.

Nodding sagely, her usually impassive blue eyes softened with regret. “In that case, Captain, I wish to apologise. The Commander’s devotion to you was a topic that I had intended to discuss with him but because of Admiral Janeway’s unexpected arrival, I was not afforded the opportunity. I knew he held a profound respect and regard for you but I had not realised how deeply he still felt until I witnessed his reaction upon our arrival in the Alpha Quadrant.”

I opened my mouth to deny Seven’s assertions but before I could say anything, she surprised me again.

“I was, however, unaware that you reciprocated those feelings.” Her frown deepened. “I am not as observant as I should be in regard to the nuances of human interaction and I apologise if I have made the situation between yourself and the Commander… difficult. It was not my intention.”

The emotional rigours of the situation were beginning to take their toll and Seven’s earnest apology and obvious distress came close to shattering my resolve. I couldn’t be angry with her and in a purely impulsive move, I pulled her into a quick hug and reassured her with a gentle pat on her shoulder.

“You have nothing to apologise for, Seven, and it’s my sincerest hope that you didn’t end your relationship with Chakotay on my behalf. If you have a strong attachment to the Commander, I am the last person who would stand in your way.”

Seven’s brow implant rose and a small smile hovered at the corner of her mouth. “Your concern is unwarranted, Captain. I find that the thought of disappointing you or hurting your feelings far outweighs my desire to continue my liaison with the Commander. It does not require Borg intelligence to surmise that our relationship was not destined for longevity.”

Her wry humour made me smile, and I nodded. “That’s very astute of you, Seven.” I marvelled at how far she’d come from that emotionless automaton we’d rescued all those years ago. “I think you’re going to do just fine here on Earth.”

“I think I shall too, Captain. But my hope is that we will remain in close contact.”

I squeezed her arm to reassure her. “I will always be here for you, Seven. That’s a promise.”

I watched her shoulders relax and the tension evaporate from her features.

“Thank you, Captain. I am… relieved.”

I’d underestimated the depth of her unease at our homecoming and it was something I should have considered in light of her previous reactions to the possibility of returning to Earth.

With Seven’s immediate issues resolved, all I had to worry about were the other one hundred and forty five crew, and of course, Chakotay.

He’d left a brief message of his intention to touch base with his home. I wasn’t so much surprised at his destination, as I was with his impulsiveness. He obviously hadn’t put much thought into the trip, as it didn’t take much investigating to discover that DorvanV had been abandoned by his people and remained a wasteland. The rebuilding efforts had been concentrated on Trebus where his sister Sekaya and her family were now situated.

Wary of Chakotay’s vulnerable state of mind and his need for privacy, I didn’t contact him directly; I instead routed my communication to Sekaya, letting her know of his plans and the likelihood that he would need to be retrieved from Dorvan V in the near future.

She sent word two weeks later to say that he had indeed arrived on Dorvan V and that she’d found him almost immediately. I was greatly relieved and without divulging too much, asked that she take care of him for however long he needed to be with them.

She did, and more, but he didn’t stay long and now he was back and would be arriving on my doorstep at any minute.

I’m nervous – unnaturally so – and although I console myself with the knowledge that this is Chakotay, my dearest friend, I’m still anxious about how this meeting will go. I’ve hardly slept, tossing and turning for much of the night as I tried to envisage our reunion. I’ve even taken special care with my makeup and changed my outfit at least a half a dozen times in the last hour. God only knows why I think it will matter. Chakotay’s seen me in all manner of frightful situations – hell, he’s seen me as a fully-fledged Borg drone. The ludicrous idea that wearing heels rather than flat shoes will make any difference to the outcome of this meeting is an indication of my sorry state of mind.

My rambling thoughts are suddenly interrupted by the sound of a ground car pulling up outside the house. All is quiet for several moments and then I hear the sound of familiar footsteps crunching up the gravel path. I take a deep breath and wait.

* * *

#### Chakotay

The taxi pulls up outside her house and I sit for several moments trying to centre myself before the driver clears his throat and extends his hand for a credit chit. I give him a humourless smile plus a substantial tip and he grins broadly. As I clamber from the vehicle, I think to myself that I’ve probably made his day.

Now I have a moment of indecision. I’m not sure what to do with my bag. I don’t want to appear presumptuous by lugging it to her front door but I don’t have anywhere else to leave it. Perhaps I should have contacted B’Elanna and Tom before coming here, but any deviation from my plan would have thrown me completely off kilter. So here I am, vacillating about what to do with my carry-all when she’s only a matter of metres away.

The taxi speeds off and the dilemma regarding my bag suddenly becomes immaterial. I’d happily abandon it here on the curb if it meant seeing Kathryn a moment sooner. Without another thought, I hoist it over my shoulder and concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other as I make my way up the path to her door.

I drop my bag on the landing and taking a deep breath, I close my eyes for a heartbeat, and then with a slightly tremulous hand, I press the door chime.

* * *

#### Kathryn.

I’m standing on the other side of the door. We’re only inches from one another and I convince myself that I can feel his presence and close my eyes imagining what he’s doing.

He’s hesitating; taking a deep breath to steady himself – I know this, because I’m doing the same.

The chime sounds.

Still trying to keep a firm lid on my emotions, I do a slow count to five before I grip the doorknob and pull open the door.

He’s there.

* * *

#### Chakotay.

She’s there.

And she looks beautiful – clear eyed and smiling. I can’t believe I’m here at last. My mind is a jumble and words tumble over one another but not in any usable order. I want to tell her how much I’ve missed her, that I made a terrible mistake and that I’m willing to do anything to repair the damage I’ve caused. I want to tell her that I love her and that I never stopped loving her but it seems that the deep breath I took before I pressed the chime has evaporated and I’ve lost the ability to speak. My mouth opens but no sounds emerge and I can’t believe that I’ve been struck dumb at this crucial moment.

But it seems we don’t need words. Her eyes say it all and as I look into that wonderfully familiar gaze, an all-encompassing wave of peace washes over me, my heart steadies and my doubts disappear. She edges closer and I extend my hand. Without hesitating, she weaves her fingers through mine and the world rights itself.

* * *

#### Kathryn.

I’m grinning like an idiot and can’t tear my eyes away from him. He looks the same but different. His face is leaner; his demeanour, edgier; the quiet, steady confidence that I’ve grown to know and love is underscored by a hint of hesitance and coiled defensiveness. As his eyes hold mine, I can see a veil of trepidation hovering in their depths. Surely, he knows that I love him and have missed him with a bone-deep ache that nearly sent me mad, but perhaps he doesn’t understand.

I was the one who was nervous and uncertain but all of a sudden, I find myself offering reassurance. He has to know that our path is clear and I want him with every part of me.

He is the love of my life.

Our future together has been indelibly written since the beginning of Voyager’s journey and even after all the missteps and mistakes, I’m convinced that it is still something that we’re destined to share.

I take a small step closer and the air between us becomes electric, crackling with the energy of unfulfilled dreams and remembered promises. He looks as though he wants to say something but hesitates. I know how he feels. There’s so much I should say, too; so much that I want to say, but words seem inadequate. Besides, I’ve used too many of them over the years. They were my weapons of choice to keep him at a distance and I refuse to tarnish this moment with more. All I want to do now is to feel and show him how much I love him.

He breaks the impasse by offering me his hand and I gladly take it, weaving my fingers through his and gripping it firmly. It’s the lifeline I’ve been waiting for – indeed hoping for – since that last day on the Bridge when confusion and crossed purposes came between us.

The instant we touch the electricity surges and our bond snaps and locks into place. I know it’s just in my imagination but I swear I can hear the whip-crack of the connection and I gasp. He does too, I think, but the pounding of my heart is so loud in my ears that I barely hear anything above its thundering hammer.

Then suddenly, I’m in his arms and he’s humming what sounds like a prayer over and over. His devotion shatters my resolve and I find myself crying, but the sensations are coming so thick and fast that I’m not certain of anything much – only that I love him and need him to know. I’m trembling; the tension of the last several weeks is finally elbowing its way to the surface, pushing past the brittle outer layers of my stoicism. It comes bursting through in a heaving sob. At the sound, his arms pull me closer and I can feel his body shivering against mine.

His face is buried in my hair and he’s holding me so tightly I can barely breathe but I don’t care. My hands are clutching at him, grabbing handfuls of his shirt as I press myself against him, my face tucked into the crook of his neck, my lips pressed against his warm fragrant skin. I don’t ever want to be parted from him again and if I could climb inside him and become a part of him, I would.

The crazy thing is that just at this moment, it seems almost feasible.

* * *

#### Chakotay.

I don’t remember moving, but in a heartbeat, she is in my arms, her small body pressed so tightly against mine that I don’t know where she ends and where I begin. She’s holding on as though I might let go and I want to tell her that it will never happen – not in this lifetime or the next – but I think she knows.

I breathe her in, inhaling great gulping lungfuls of her and chant her name over and over.

She is trembling in my arms, her body wracked by wave upon wave of juddering tremors that culminate in a bone-shaking sob. I fear that I’ve caused her this pain and it breaks my heart but she tucks her face into the crook of my neck and I pull her closer until the tremors cease.

I’m not sure if I’m trying to convince her or me that this is really happening, but my words mimic a prayer, an appeal to the spirits to grant me this one joy and allow us to be together at last. She needs to know that the love I feel for her comes from the deepest recesses of my being and that we’re connected in the profoundest of ways.

Her hands clutch at me as she presses herself tight against me and I find myself at last allowing a sliver of belief to wedge itself under my ribs. I feel her lips brushing over my neck and that exquisite sliver plunges deeper and straight into my heart. The dreadful tension that has held me in its unyielding grip for the last eight weeks, finally releases and I rejoice.

I can feel her heartbeat through my shirt; her short sharp breaths warming the skin of my neck and sending shivers down my spine. Her scent overwhelms my senses, and as her questing lips find mine, in that one breathtaking instant, we share everything we are and all we will ever be.

* * *

#### Kathryn

Our kiss is a revelation.

His taste, like his scent, is so familiar – as if I’ve known it all my life – but it cuts new pathways to my heart and pulls my withered soul towards the light. He moans – a resolutely happy sound, a joyous hum of delight that makes me smile against his lips and chuckle quietly to myself.

He pulls away, his hand sweeping across my cheek and through my hair. His hesitance is gone, the shadow of despair is banished and a broad and happy smile breaks across his features.

My Chakotay is back and he’s mine; my grin widens at the knowledge.

I can’t stop smiling; I haven’t felt this depth of happiness in years and coupled with the relief of knowing that he feels as deeply for me as I feel for him, it’s awe-inspiring in the truest sense of the word.

His eyes are scouring my face, his gaze intense as though he’s committing to memory every detail of this moment and me. I run my fingers over his brow, lightly tracing the contours of his tattoo, something I’ve dreamed of doing for so long I can’t even remember the first time the thought occurred to me.

And now that I’ve started touching him, I can’t stop. My fingers stroke down over his cheek, skimming over his mouth, his chin and down his neck and chest. I know we should talk, clear the air and discuss the events of the last couple of months but they really are of no consequence. He’s here, we’re together and that’s all that matters.

He’s caressing my back and shoulders, his lips against my neck and I’m losing myself in his touch. It’s all I want and my body responds, undulating gently against him.

There’s no room for anything else when the suppressed need of seven years surges to the surface.

I pull back and lock eyes with him and the heat of his look sets fire to my blood. It pulses hot and molten along my veins and the burn of want is too strong to deny any longer. Pulling his face towards mine, I kiss him hard, my tongue sweeping through his mouth. I can taste the want, feel it in the trembling of his limbs and smell it on his breath and all speak to the primal part of me that wants to be his.

I stagger backwards towards the living room – there’s no time for niceties. We are both aroused. I can feel him, the heat and hardness of him presses into the soft flesh above my pubic bone and my readiness is undeniable. I can feel the twitching and pulsing of my inner muscles and the flood of moisture in their wake. There is a heat rising to the surface of my skin and my clothing is a restrictive and unnecessary impediment. I crave his touch, and together we strip the clothes from my body as I tug and tear at his.

By the time we reach the middle of the room, I’ve undone his shirt and his hands are cupping my breasts. My skirt drops to the floor; my bra and panties meet the same fate as do the remainder of his clothes and together we tumble onto the couch.

Our joining is simple, swift but powerful. We gasp and then sigh.

We fit together with ease, my thighs effortlessly cradling his hips as his body surrounds mine. I find myself enfolded within the breadth of him – his body bigger than I imagined. But he is gentle and considerate – just as I knew he would be. And I welcome him, opening myself as he fills me, the sweet stretch of flesh and the grinding press of his pubis against my clit sends a throbbing pulse of want from my groin to the tip of my toes to the almost blinding wash of starbursts behind my eyes.

I’m lost; my body and mind completely is awash with the joy of it all, and I surrender to it without another thought.

* * *

#### Chakotay

We are together at last – joined in the most sacred of ways and I rejoice. My heart sings and tears of joy fill my eyes. The weeks of anguish and despair vanish like a whisper in the wind and I am free. Her small but strong body is under mine, her silky heat surrounds me and I’m besieged by sensations. Her breath, hot against my chest, her scent – so familiar but tinged with the spice of arousal – her breasts against my belly, her nipples – pinpoints of heat amidst the softness. Her legs wrap around my hips and hold me to her, and her fingers grip the flesh of my shoulders and back. She’s as possessive as I am and I revel in our soaring need.

She’s moving beneath me now, rocking her hips towards me – grinding and thrusting in a strong steady rhythm. We’re making noises, grunting and whimpering that contrast with the sucking wet sound of our joining. It’s erotic in the extreme and as I swell within her, I feel my climax fast approaching.

It’s too quick but control is something I’ve always fought for in her presence. Neither of us seems able to forestall the coming inferno. The heat intensifies and along with the rhythmic tightening of her inner muscles, I can hear it in the changing timbre of her moans – she is with me.

I wrap my arms around her and pull her closer, I want to prolong this exquisite pleasure but I’m at the mercy of my body and when she groans my name and howls, I’m lost. I see her face, a blissful grimace of joy, her mouth open in a silent scream, the raw passion and unbridled emotion set my heart aflame. It’s a sight I shall never forget and after several deep lunging thrusts, I squeeze my eyes shut – blinded by a starburst of love – and I roar and come.

Through the haze of blissful release, I feel the gripping clench of her orgasm, her body arching under me and gripping me tight within her. Our bodies are caught in a rigid torsion of passion and intense love that suddenly gives way with a rushing sigh, followed by wave after jolting wave of clutching aftershocks.

* * *

#### Kathryn

As the last spasm fades and my body sags back against the cushions of the couch, blissful reality reasserts itself and I breathe a sated sigh.

My first conscious thought is that I’ve never experienced anything quite like that before in my life. I was transported, my entire being possessed by a primal need to join with this man, to become a part of him as he became a part of me. But as my hand strokes over his shoulders, I can feel the small raised welts that my fingernails have left and worry that I’ve probably drawn blood in places. However, as I turn my head and look at his smiling face, I know he’s oblivious to any discomfort.

A chuckle rumbles its way to the surface from deep in my chest and as he attempts to pull back to see what I find so amusing, I tighten my legs around his hips and my arms around his torso. I don’t want to let him go just yet. I can’t remember a moment in my life when I’ve felt so happy, so fulfilled and so at peace. This must be what bliss feels like.

I’m a woman of science and not one who usually holds stock in the spiritual over the certainty of cold, hard facts but the ‘fact’ is that I know we’ve connected on such a deep and fundamental level and that we are bonded by something stronger and more durable than life itself. Sex is one thing but this was beyond anything corporeal. We belong to each other – body, heart and soul.

I want to shout it to the world and sing it from the mountaintops, and apart from the amusing visual that conjures, it’s completely out of character. I put it down to the power of love and smile to myself.

He mumbles against my neck. “I can feel that smile.”

It broadens and we finally ease apart.

* * *

#### Chakotay

I look into her eyes and the joy I see there is a balm to my soul but there is also a glint of irreverent humour reflected their depths and it’s this part of Kathryn that I’ve missed for so long. The years of stress and the constant weight of responsibility dulled these bright facets of her personality and it’s a pleasure to see them again.

She strokes my face and it takes me a moment to realise what she is doing – she’s touching my dimples and my smile deepens.

She laughs. “They’re blinding! Do you have any idea what those do to me?”

I shrug. “If I’d known, I’d have used them more often.”

“As it was, I think I showed remarkable restraint but from now on, feel free to let them loose whenever the mood takes you.”

“Consider it done.” It won’t be hard request to fulfil.

I smile as her eyes spark with amusement and her hands stroke over my back and shoulders. She grimaces slightly. “Sorry about your back – my enthusiasm got the better of me.”

I shrug. I hadn’t even noticed. “I think I’ll live.” I can’t tear my eyes away from her or believe that we’re really here. I feel I should say something – at the very least apologise. “Kathryn…”

But she places her fingers over my lips and shakes her head. She knows what I’m going to say. “There’s no need, Chakotay. You did nothing wrong and what’s done is done – we all have our regrets – I have plenty of my own but our time starts now…” Again that glint of humour. “Or rather, twenty minutes ago.”

I chuckle and kiss her. “That’s being overly generous. Ten minutes, maybe – tops. My control is nonexistent when I’m with you.”

She grins. “Good.”

I kiss her again and feel the stirrings of arousal, adding credence to that last assertion. She feels it too and raises her eyebrows and smiles. “I had planned on taking you to lunch but it seems there may be other things on the agenda for the afternoon.”

“Eating is overrated.”

“But the wonderful thing about it is that it’s portable. We can always eat in bed.”

“See, that’s why you’re the captain.”

She laughs and the sound lights my soul.

“In that case, to bed, Commander. That’s an order.”

* * *

#### Kathryn

We land on the bed in a tangle of limbs and I can’t help laughing. Naked with our arms wrapped around each other, we staggered and lurched our way up the hallway, ricocheting off the walls, kissing and laughing all the way from the living room. God knows what the neighbours are thinking but I don’t care. I don’t _have_ to care and the feeling of freedom is wonderfully invigorating.

He’s working his way down my body now, licking, nipping and stroking every part of me and I close my eyes as I let the sensations wash over me. All the worries and concerns I’ve carried with me since his disappearance dissolve with each stroke of his hand and each touch of his lips. This is all I want, it’s all I’ve wanted for years and at last it’s mine – and ours – with no guilt or condemnation. After years of sidestepping and deflecting his needs and my own, we are finally in the same place, at the same time and free to love.

As clichéd as it sounds – and that it took seven years to get here – we are where we are meant to be and I couldn’t be happier. Peace and love have found us, at last.

* * *

#### Chakotay

The shuttle’s none-too-gentle landing jolts me back to the here and now.

Momentarily disorientated, I take a couple of seconds to gather my thoughts before I look down at Kathryn, her head resting against my shoulder as she sleeps.

Dorvan V. I’m back again.

I turn and kiss the top of her head. “Wake up, sweetheart, we’re here.”

Kathryn opens her eyes and looks around. “Already?”

I smile. She’s been asleep for hours but I couldn’t bring myself to wake her. She has years of sleep to catch up on, and I’m still deeply enamoured with the novelty of having her tucked up against me as she slumbers – yet another fantasy come true.

We’ve made this trip together on her suggestion. My last journey here was a disaster but the yearning to see my home and put to rest the ghosts that live here is something that I haven’t been able to shake. With her usual uncompromising and straight from the hip advice, Kathryn insisted that we come – that I lay to rest the spectres of the past before we move onto our future. She’s right of course, it’s something I need to do – make my peace with my father and deal with my guilt for not being there to fight by his side and protect my family. Much of my anger has dissipated over the years, channelled into more constructive endeavours and soothed by the steady influence of the woman by my side but it is an important bookend to this part of my life.

We set up camp in the valley where my village was once situated. All traces of it were obliterated in the war and there is nothing here to mark the place of my family’s loss but perhaps that isn’t the point. The entire planet has become a memorial to their sacrifice and as I open my medicine bundle and place my hand over the akoonah, I wonder if there is any point to this ritual. I feel her presence rather than see her and as she places her hand over mine, she speaks the words of the pakra with me and peace infuses my senses.

My father’s voice greets me and another wound closes.

* * *

By the end of the week, I’ve farewelled my family and my old life. I’ve honoured my father and my mother, and rooted out that hard kernel of bitterness that burrowed itself deep into my soul on the day they died. Opening my eyes as I emerge from my final vision quest, I find her in front of me. She hasn’t wavered in her vigil; I’ve opened my eyes to her gentle presence at the end of each quest and the memory of this makes me smile and love her all the more.

I can hear the high-pitched drone of the approaching shuttle – the one that will take us home – and with an open heart and a soul lightened of its regrets, I gather Kathryn into my arms and thank the spirits for her and our future.

Together we climb into the shuttle and, without a backward glance, begin our journey.

fin


End file.
